Singapore Deranged

I have had two interesting episodes with the deranged this fortnight gone.  Please note that I am not mocking the deranged, although I do feel slightly within my rights given I have had numerous hairy encounters with nut cases (yes, not PC) in London over the years.

As you know I have stopped smiling as a means of conserving energy.  I did the same thing in the UK following a very scary encounter with a mad cyclist who followed me and kept talking to me for about 20 minutes outside Senate House (the main University of London library) while frothing at the mouth and telling me how well spoken I am and that I must be a news reader and work for the BBC in documentaries.  He became insistent that he would walk with me to the three stations I said I was going to during this unnerving conversation as it got darker and darker outside.  I ended up saying I forgot something at Uni and ran back into Senate House knowing he could not get in as it was for college students only.

I often tell the children this light hearted story as we watch "Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang", as Senate House doubles up as the War Office in this movie.  How we all laugh as I reminisce about running terrified into the building in fear for my life, wondering if this lunatic was going to wait outside until I reappeared.  Yes, it was certainly a hoot.  It was, in all honesty, very frightening and I swore that I would only ever wear the guise of a miserable cow from that day forth.  And it worked, as I was never bothered by any captain crazies again.   

Anyway, even though I have not smiled for 20 years and intended not to since we got to Singapore, I just can't help myself sometimes.  The weather is so warm and everything is so clean and I was going to buy mangosteens and so of course, I got caught again.  This time by a woman.  Probably in her forties. I don't know why being in her forties is relevant but I suppose it explains her taste in clothes. She stopped me not very far from our apartment.  The conversation went as follows:

Lady:  I really like your shorts.  Where did you get them from?
Me: Oh, these.  They are from England.
Lady:  Where are you from?
Me:  I am from England?
Lady:  Do you live here?
Me:  Yes
Lady:  You work?
Me:  We are here with my husbands job?
Lady:  Can I work in England? 
Me:  Errrr...
Lady:  Cleaning?  Is it possible?
Me:  Errrr...
Lady:  How much are flights?
Me:  Errr... well I just looked into it for my Mum and if you book early its about £670.  It isn't cheap.
Lady:  So can I work in England?  Do I need a visa?
Me:  Errr...
Lady:  Paddington.  Can I work in Paddington?
Me:  Err...
Lady:  I don't have big education.  Just little.  Grade 5 but I can do cleaning.  Can I do cleaning in England?
Me:  Err...
Lady:  How old are you?
Me:  Err... 38
Lady:  How old is your husband?
Me:  42
Lady:  Where is he from?
Me:  England.  He is English
Lady:  Do you know anyone I can work for in England?
Me:  Err.. no.  I don't know how easy it is to move from here to England and find work
Lady:  How old are your children?
Me:  6 and 4
Lady:  You have a girl and a boy?
Me:  Yes
Lady:  I know Paddington

I didn't know if she meant the station or the bear and by this point, I could not even see the children because they were half way to the village. I realised this lady might not really like my shorts afterall, so I excused myself by saying my children have run off and goodbye.

My second conversation with the mad was today when I phoned up Ikea to see if they had the Solvinden solar powered string lanterns in stock as they do have them pictured on their website but without any pricing.  The conversation went as follows:

Ikea:  Hello, how may I assist you?
Me:  Hello, I would like to find out if you have a particular item in stock.  It is the Solvinden solar powered string lanterns for the garden
Ikea: Can you give me the article number?
Me:  No, I am afraid not, as it is not listed on your website, only pictured
Ikea:  How do you spell the name?
Me:  S O L V I N D E N.  They are solar powered string lanterns for the garden
Ikea:  It is not coming up on the system.  Can you tell me what they are?  Is it a table or a chair?
Me:  They are solar powered string lanterns for the garden.  Solar powered.  By the sun.  For the garden.
Ikea:  No, they do not have it in stock at Ikea Alexandra.
Me:  Can you check if it is at Ikea Tampines?
Ikea:  Yes I will just check.  Please hold the line while I assist you.
Ikea:  Hello ma'am.
Me:  Hello
Ikea:  No, they do not have it either.
Me:  Do you know when either store will have it in stock again
Ikea:  No they will not have it in stock as this is a summer product.  If you come back next year and quote this number 301.457.809 you can get it then.
Me:  Yes, thank you very much.
Ikea:  Can I assist you with anything else today?
Me:  No.  You have been very helpful and I will come back in 2014.  Goodbye.

The deranged part of that conversation was:
1.  It is a summer product. Yes, Singapore has a wet season but basically it is 30 degrees all year and is noted for the fact it has no seasons... therefore.... there is no summer.... as it's all summer... 365 days of the year.
2.  She asked me to come back next year.

I am definitely enjoying the Singapore lunatics so much more than the ones back home.  I think it might be the nice climate.  Everything is so less threatening.