Yes folks.
This first Grumbler of the season comes to you direct from Singapore.
Given we have now been here for three days, have
barely left the apartment and remain in a jet lag and exhaustion induced
semi-coma, I feel well placed to provide you with an initial assessment of life
in the tropics or rather life in our condo, in the tropics.
I will break down my analysis in chunks:
Vanity, Thy Name is Women
Any kind of constriction is not recommended
in the tropics. Therefore I have chosen, for the last two days, to go swanning
about braless. This is something I have
never done before other than in bed as I lie down and watch each deflated
balloon sag off the side of the mattress.
Yet due to brain addlement and horrendous heat, going un-underwired is
truly liberating. Those Suffragettes
really knew what they were talking about.
“It’s all about the dangling and not about the caring”, I believe they
used to shout. Oh and that vote thing
was alright too.
While the hanging gardens of Babylon are a huge bonus to me
but probably not to anyone who has to talk to me, the downside of living in the
tropics is a true horror.
For those who
know me well, they would all nod in agreement that to me appearance is all. For example, I will wait until
every hair on my head has gone grey before I dye it. After all it is a waste of money to do it too
early and I don’t want anybody to know that I am grey. Secondly, I always make sure I shave my legs
up to the visible hair line. Finally, I
always ensure, to quote the Spice Girls Ivor Novello award winning ballad, Two
Become One Eyebrow, that they are joined in unison before being given a good
plucking.
Based on this, imagine the terror in the mirror as all I see
before me is Maurice Gibb, Billie Jean King in her prime, Mel Gibson’s tiny
penguin legs running this way and that across the desert in Lethal Weapon with
his little curly mop flapping in the wind,
Sachin Tendulkar, any 1980s Argentinian footballers mullet and little Miss
Curly Wurly I am no Liz Hurley staring back at me. It is enough to make me throw myself off the
balcony.
Children
As I gaze at my children after two days in Singapore and
look at their tanned skin, dirty feet, overgrown
toenails that could probably help them climb a tree like a sloth and the matted
knotted hair from swimming each day, I have come to the conclusion that it
really does not take long for children to go feral in the tropics. In fact, yesterday, my daughter actually ran
through the water in the circular swimming pool on all fours like a capybara.
Given this swimming pool has a sort of ledge / seat for the child free
couples in the condo who probably use it for necking or petting or canoodling,
it was rather funny to see her running on all fours like a small animal. Yet, genuinely, watching the kids
go Mowgli is great. Doesn’t get much
better than that.
Friends
Though I am generally a chirpy soul I am extremely selective
about the friends I keep, being a debonair, aloof, sophisticate. As a result I am reluctant to acquire too
many acquaintances too quickly as shedding them later could become problematic when they live in the same condo. I get the impression expat life does force
one together in an extremely friendly and genuine way so I am being rather mean
spirited by saying this. I have only met
one person here so far. A very nice lady
with two small children, both younger than mine. She seems very nice but put me off instantly
with these words “my three and a half year old is extremely strong physically
and very bright”. Deal breaker! After that, I simply could not accept the
kind offer of her spare mattress and have opted to remain sleeping on the floor
which is bloody uncomfortable. I have no
doubt we will become friends because she is extremely nice and did actually end
the sentence with “that is why she is really lazy”.
Comfort
Alluding slightly to my sleeping situation in the last paragraph, what in the holy heck is the deal with blow up mattresses? My husband has been sleeping on this mattress for six weeks and it has turned from a nice perky firm mattress into what I can only describe as deflated corrugated cardboard covered in three large tumours. It has also turned the sheets pink. Sleeping on it reminds me of a 1980s You've Been Framed clip when a small boy is sitting on a lilo in a swimming pool when his Dad jumps onto said lilo from the side of the pool and the young lad is launched into the air like a killer whale throwing a seal pup. I am now sleeping directly on the floor on a camping mat.
Comfort
Alluding slightly to my sleeping situation in the last paragraph, what in the holy heck is the deal with blow up mattresses? My husband has been sleeping on this mattress for six weeks and it has turned from a nice perky firm mattress into what I can only describe as deflated corrugated cardboard covered in three large tumours. It has also turned the sheets pink. Sleeping on it reminds me of a 1980s You've Been Framed clip when a small boy is sitting on a lilo in a swimming pool when his Dad jumps onto said lilo from the side of the pool and the young lad is launched into the air like a killer whale throwing a seal pup. I am now sleeping directly on the floor on a camping mat.
Turncoat
Due to the heavy humid air and boiling temperatures, the
only way to walk here is slowly and like a duck. The wider the legs, the cooler the
stroll. Anthropologically speaking,
Darwin was firm in his belief that a duck walk stance is definitely the most
economical in retaining ones bodily fluids and inner coolant. Of course, I am now a traitor to my cause
having petitioned the government for the last two decades about installing
pavement lanes for commuters, amblers and tourists in London. Oh well, we go into these projects all
principled but slowly become as corruptible as every politician.
Emotion
After three weeks of goodbyes and the resulting crying,
choking, snorting, wobbling and howling, I feel like a jackass. Facebook and Skype are truly a magical
invention and I am aware of you doubting Dudley's out there, but for the
immediacy of contact, it is a great thing.
As much as it causes bile to bubble up in my gullet, I have to thank Mr
Zuckerberg for at least that. The
contact that is, not the bile.
Retribution
After an exhausting first day
travelling following very tearful goodbyes to our parents, we landed in our
condo at 7am, utterly spent. The husband went to
work about an hour later and by the time he returned, the small child had a
raging fever and the big child was sobbing and crying for no apparent
reason.
That night he said “After six
weeks on my own out here, I was so happy and excited about you all coming and
us being together, but I feel so very flat and sad. Small boy is ill, big girl is very upset and
you are unhappy about leaving home in the UK.
I feel really sad and so guilty to put you all through this just for me
and my career”.
To which I responded “Good. I am glad you feel guilty for ruining our
lives. Night night”.
He left for Australia the next morning for the rest of the week. The children and I have decided to punish him a bit longer, if only for leaving me with a fridge and freezer stocked with two frozen chicken breasts, fish fingers that I think are made out of sea cucumber, frozen milk and a tin of mackerel in tomato sauce. I think the word you are searching for is “Yummo”.
He left for Australia the next morning for the rest of the week. The children and I have decided to punish him a bit longer, if only for leaving me with a fridge and freezer stocked with two frozen chicken breasts, fish fingers that I think are made out of sea cucumber, frozen milk and a tin of mackerel in tomato sauce. I think the word you are searching for is “Yummo”.
Singapore Storms
For me: Loud, exciting, nature at its best, awesome
For the kids: Wet pants
The Future
I have no doubt I will get plenty
of inspiration living in Singapore to continue this blogspot, so bear with me
dear reader.
As I sit here on the 26th of June, my birthday, by myself, drinking warm, quickly evaporating water I look forward to the weekend when we are going to celebrate my birthday doing something the children want, as long as it is going to the zoo or the bird park followed by an excellent hawker stall feed and a beer, otherwise they can go to hell.
As I sit here on the 26th of June, my birthday, by myself, drinking warm, quickly evaporating water I look forward to the weekend when we are going to celebrate my birthday doing something the children want, as long as it is going to the zoo or the bird park followed by an excellent hawker stall feed and a beer, otherwise they can go to hell.
